I Let Chronic Pain and Fatigue Keep Me in Bed and Pull the Covers Over My Head

Especially on the hard days

Photo by Engin Akyurt from Pexels

I’m tired. You’re probably tired of reading my writing about tiredness. But, here we are. Back to the page, back to being tired.

My right hip hurts. It’s a constant ache in the hip and butt area. It causes me to favor my left leg when I walk. Only when my bodyworker — who’s actually my Primary Care Provider, who is also trained in Osteomuscular Manipulation, which is kind of like gentle chiropractor work, from my lay-person point of view — works on me she says my left hip is worse for the wear. That’s because I keep relying on it to take the burden off my right hip.

But. But, now things are further askew. My eyelids are heavy with the world. The world of news and grief and anger and delay and relationships and neediness and not getting my needs met. Me me me me me.

Then, there are the kids. 10 and 13. The 13-year-old learned about the 4 kinds of sex in science class earlier this week: “Penis in vagina, digital (with fingers, mom), anal, and oral.” I asked if they learned how to put on a condom. “Not yet, how do they show that?!” I reply my 7th-grade science teacher used a banana. My 10-year-old pipes up with something about consent. I say, “good word,” glad she listened to me or someone else when we explained consent to her.

The world goes forward and sideways and spirals in swirls like chocolate fudge sauce drizzled on a sundae I can no longer have. My body flares when it gets dairy and sugar. Alcohol. Caffeine. Nicotine (I haven’t smoked cigarettes in almost 15 years). Acidic foods. Chocolate. Oh, how I wailed and yelled at the nearest human when I learned of all these dietary restrictions that would make me feel better. Sorry, mom.

My left knee hurts so bad that my iPhone app recorded 21% asymmetry while I was walking, visiting my former kickass supervisor at the botanic garden yesterday. She was more than a supervisor — a friend and a life coach. Someday I’ll write about her, an appropriate thank you. It feels a daunting task. That’s how much I changed for the better under her tutelage. At the garden, we visited plants we’d nurtured together, and the skeletons of the place — the Rainbird that makes the water features…